I used to believe that anger was a positive trait or asset I could call to the surface and utilize its power to beat my opponent, or to overcome pain, or even to get what I want out of life. As I grow older and seek wisdom, I have learned that; I was believing a lie. 

If I am honest and I evaluate the situations in my life when anger has risen up in me, many of those memories fill me with regret. Anger does not make you manly, strong, or even competitive. If you are like me then anger has been a periodic poison that hurts you and those around you. The only way anger can make you a better man is if you begin to train yourself to manage your anger.

“Dad, You Scared Me With That Voice…”

These were the words my five year old daughter used after I had allowed anger to rule my actions and words as I was attempting to discipline her. It broke my heart as I sat there and her eyes were filled with tears and her body was guarded. She was really afraid of me. I instantly felt regret, this is not who I want to be as a dad. I don’t want to rule over my children with anger and fear. So, if this angry version of myself is not who I want to be, why does this periodically happen?

First thing I want to communicate to you is, you cannot get rid of anger. Anger is an emotion and emotions are often unpredictable. Too often society tells men, we need to “control” our emotions instead encouraging us to learn how to manage our emotions. You should not feel shame because you were angry and acted out in an inappropriate way. You should feel regret and you should work hard on changing your response to anger.  

Stop Justifying Your Anger

One of the biggest mistakes I have made and I see so many men make is we justify our anger.  I know when I have felt shame immediately after irrationally acting out in a harsh angry manner I look for ways to excuse my behavior or justify it. I might say something like, “I’ve had a long day…” or I will create a narrative which makes whatever or whoever “made” me angry the villain. I might say something like, “this person always mistreats me…”. Regardless of what excuse or justification I attempt to make, I know in my heart of hearts that there is never a good reason to act out of anger. There are a ton of timeless words of wisdom that shed light on not acting out in anger like,

Proverbs 15:18

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.”

Psalm 37:8

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil.”

I can go on and on with wisdom that encourages us to be slow to anger or to refrain from anger or even simply stating that anger is lodged in the heart of fools. 

Recognize that anger is an emotion that you are inevitably going to feel. I know society would not necessarily agree but, men are human, we are emotional beings, we have feelings. The difference between the wise man and the man who lets anger destroy his life and relationships is, the wise man immediately recognizes when anger is brewing up within him and he addresses it immediately. 

Anger Is A Secondary Emotion

I am thankful that I have a coach and mentor in my life that I can seek guidance, wisdom and correction from. I remember I was explaining to my coach that I was struggling with anger recently and he said something that forever changed my perspective about anger. He said, “Sammy, typically anger is a secondary emotion, meaning you most likely first felt sad, hurt, betrayed, or disrespected.” I heard that and immediately knew he was right. 

Because society has limited the emotions men are “allowed” to have, most men have not been taught how to communicate feelings of sadness or of being hurt. And as a byproduct we act out the way we have seen our fathers or other men act out, in anger. 

Make A Change Today

Instead of just reading this and maybe giving it a nod of agreement which most men will do, I want to personally challenge you to make a change today! If you are like me, there is not a day that goes by that anger does not want to creep its ugly head and ruin my day. So here are three practical ways I work on managing my anger:

1. Recognize – Remember anger is typically a secondary emotion. When you feel angry, ask yourself, why? What made you angry? Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you sad but you do not know how to express sadness so you go straight to anger? The goal is you want to recognize the root emotion that is leading to anger.
2. Release –  Once you have recognized the root emotion that is opening up the door to anger, you need to release it. You do this by clearly and calmly communicating the root emotion you felt. For example, I recently was angry with my wife for not knowing I wanted to spend some extra time with her and I remember to practice what I preach. As I was sitting across from her the table brewing with anger, I recognized that I just wanted to spend some extra time with her. When I did this, I felt released from the grips of my anger and I was able to ask for a hug. 
3. Reset – When you do these first two steps you are on your way to properly managing your anger in a healthy way. Take a deep breath and appreciate the intention you just took to help yourself. What I do here is I take a moment to state how grateful I am that I was able to maintain my peace and manage my anger before it turned into regretful actions. 

Now that you have the three steps that can help you next time anger creeps up, you need to be on guard, stay vigilant. One of the best ways to do this is to speak openly with other men who are working to improve themselves as well. Feel free to join our Facebook Group filled with these types of men.