I’m pretty certain I’m not alone in this (well at least I hope I’m not): I often feel like a big mess. 

I feel broken, I feel unworthy, and like I just keep on messing up and making bad decisions. I feel like I’m working too much and not spending enough time with my wife and kids, then I feel like I’m not working hard enough to make a positive difference in the world. 

All of this, while also dealing with the inner villains that we all have. I can’t be the only one who feels like this … right? 

Then I try to make it look like I got it all figured out, which obviously I don’t, and therein lies the problem: Pretending to be perfect, hiding my inner messes and striving for progress.

Go Clean Your Room!

I remember being a kid and being told by my parents, “Sammy, go clean your room before you can go play.” So, I would use my little kid genius mind and devise this plan to clean the fastest way possible. Which was obviously to just throw everything in the closet and or under the bed. 

I must not have been the first kid to try this because, my mom would come in and go straight to the closet and pull everything out. I would fall to my knees in defeat, and then I would have to start all over again. This would lead to more lost time cleaning, instead of playing and having fun. 

My point is, can we ever really clean up our lives if all we are doing is just hiding the mess? I would venture to say: No we can’t. 

Oftentimes when we hide our mess or pretend we don’t have any mess, we lose our ability to truly grow as men. We also lose our ability to truly connect with others, because we are not fully allowing ourselves to be seen. 

If you are like me then hiding the mess comes from being ashamed that you even have a mess in the first place. 

When we are living in this state of hiding we can create bigger problems and messes than what we originally have. 

Show Me Your Mess

What if instead of hiding our mess or pretending like we have it all figured out, we were just transparent, honest, and raw with ourselves and the ones closest to us? What if we started our relationships messy? What if we accepted and unconditionally loved ourselves, mess and all? What if we were just ok with the mess, I don’t mean we never will clean up our mess. 

What I mean is: not being ashamed of the mess. When you lean in, mess and all, you will be pleasantly surprised how much it positively impacts your life. 

I know this can be really scary and difficult. Trust me, I have many things I am not proud of. I’ve created messes that were not pretty and some of those messes hurt those closest to me.

Take a Chance

I remember a few years back, on my 31st birthday I decided to go on a journey seeking men I could look up to and as male role models and mentors. I vowed to find 31 men and reach out in a transparent way and just ask them for guidance. 

Up to that point in my life, my Dad and I didn’t have a very good relationship. And to make matters worse, we had gone through a really rough year prior. In fact, he and I were not speaking at all. 

I was hurt, sad, angry, and I was not necessarily in a “good” place. Let’s just say I felt like a big ‘ol mess. 

Now, I could have easily continued on showing up and pretending like everything was ok. But I knew something was going on within that was not productive, I had resentment and anger that was brewing within me. 

But one of the men I’d reached out to actually replied and was open to having a conversation with me. From our first Zoom meeting, to four years later, every time we connect and talk he lifts me up and lets me know I do not have to be ashamed of my mess. 

This safe place encourages me to be real and transparent and honestly it encourages me to want to clean up my mess. 

The 3 Takeaways for a Magnificent Mess 

1. Accept your Mess – You are not the only one in this world who has issues or things they are not proud of. Everyone is dealing with some type of mess in their life. We are human and so that means it’s going to get messy. 
2. Allow your mess – Too many of us are ashamed of our mess. When we start with shame we are reluctant to be real and honest with ourselves and with others. This keeps us living a distilled life where we cannot fully be ourselves because we do not fully love ourselves. 
3. Ask for help with your mess – Seek out men in your life that will unconditionally love you with your mess and all. Ask these men if they would allow you to share what you are going through, then ask for perspective and insight from these men. 

When we unconditionally love ourselves as we are, right now –whether we have a big mess, a small mess or anything in between – we are living a congruent life. 

When we hide our mess, we are limiting the depth of what this beautiful life has to offer. It’s ok to want to clean your mess, but let’s work on not hiding it and just being real with each other as we clean up our lives.